Sammy Lee - The worst day in the life of football's smallest mascot

Sammy Lee "I sat back in his vinyl reclining armchair inside his £167,000 semi-detatched mansion on the outskirts of Ramsbottom. As I bottle-fed one of my Jack Russel pups that I had been breeding since boyhood, I looked at the team photograph of Bolton Wanderers I had just crudely cut out from the Bolton Echo. I saw my red childlike face smiling back at me. In the photo I remember clearly that I was wearing my beloved earpiece, it still angeres me that they made me hand it back. I also thought that getting the sack after one win in only 11 matches wasn't fair and that I really hadn't had the time to build the team I wanted.

I remember the meeting with the chairman vividly. I remember looking down at my short legs as they dangled in the air not able to touch the floor. Tears welled up in my eyes and I struggled to hold it together. At my going away party only the kit man showed up and I had to eat all the turkey burgers myself, still at least there were some leftovers for my beloved jack russels. I folded in the leg rest away and put the dog on the floor, I needed to get some air. 

I stepped out of his patio doors and into my favorite place; MY garden. The cool wind felt good on my bare legs as I surveyed my kingdom; I had collected 700 garden gnomes, spending the lions share of my salary on these individual pieces of art. To me they were each little masterpieces, much like myself...

Paul Ince - The condensed biography he didn't want published

To many, Paul Ince is a hero, not in a Greek sense of course, but there is a labyrinth of dark secrets and facts that those that have come into contact with him over the years that he has always tried to silence, until now. Another Cheeseman exclusive:

Paul Ince - In veritas we trust

When Talking Paul Ince never moves his neck

Paul Ince lives by the credo ‘cogito ergo sum’, when asked why he was so sure life wasn’t just a dream he said “because I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

Ince had always admired civil engineering so when a bypass was built near his house it didn’t worry him. He enjoyed the work. He enjoyed the progress.

When Paul Ince, whose sobriety was infamous, realised Liverpool were sponsored by a beer brand, he claimed it de-motivated him to the extent that he put in 2 and a half years of classless sub par football for the club. It was later discovered that he wept himself to sleep over a bottle of gin most evenings.

Paul Ince has 3 gorgeous children and a fun loving wife, they all find him pretentious.

Despite putting himself forward for selection in every one of his 15 seasons as a professional footballer, Paul Ince was never once asked to model the team kit for the official club magazine.

When manager at Blackburn, Paul Ince insisted the players called him ‘The Guvnor’, he was unanimously known as Paul.

Paul Ince always goes bare-chested when indoors, this caused many awkward moments during Ewood Park board meetings and press conferences which would often resemble boxing weigh-ins. Some say it contributed to his lack of respect from the Blackburn squad and led to his eventual sacking.

For the last 15 years Paul Ince has tried in vain to bring the pencil moustache back into fashion.

After losing his job as Blackburn Manager, Paul Ince now lists his official occupation on facebook as talent scout, sports masseur, and life model.

When starting out as a young YTS trainee, Paul Ince tried to give himself the nickname ‘muscles’, consequently he got very badly beaten up by 4 of the smaller members of the squad.

In a 1995 joke poll, ‘Shoot’ magazine named Paul Ince the player with the roundest head in football, Ince was furious and threatened to sue.

Paul Ince, when playing for Wolves and turning out in their famous orange strip, with his perfectly spherical head, drew an uncanny resemblance to Zippy from Rainbow. This observation from the other Wolves players caused several training ground bust ups.

Paul Ince, born Paul Emerson Carlyle Ince due to his mother taking a hopeless punt of acknowledging the correct, absent biological father, has a tattoo of Gazza and himself on his lower back. It depicts gazza in a tight leather 70's jacket and Ince in a George Cole titfer hat with the title 'Ince: Gazza's Minder'. Originally a portrait of satire, success and jolity, it is now a stark reminder of yet another (and perhaps the greatest example) of Ince's failure as a human being. 'George Clooney called me up and challenged me to a game of darts...'

Paul Ince and Ian Wright were a notorious pair of pranksters. Whilst on England duty, one afternoon in 1993 they mobbed Graham Taylor during a squad photograph and pulled his tracksuit trousers down, exposing his genitals to the entire coaching staff and players. The pair were in hysterics while everyone else looked in an uneasy silence. Some say the subsequent disharmony and removal of Taylor’s dignity was to blame for England’s failure to qualify for the World Cup in 1994 and effectively ended Taylor’s career.

John Barrowman - The Facts

1. John Barrowman is very much a niche market
2. John Barrowman has an excellent pension scheme.
3. John Barrowman is unblemished brilliance.
4. John Barrowman is a master of all trades and a jack of none.
5. John Barrowman has no known allergies.
6. John Barrowman promotes ethical trading.
7. John Barrowman is an excellent judge of character.
8. John Barrowman gives very good advice.
9. John Barrowman never drops litter.
10. John Barrowman has been to seven different countries.
11. John Barrowman has one hundred friends.
12. John Barrowman knows all his times tables.
13. John Barrowman suffers fools gladly.
14. John Barrowman never minds the buzzcocks.
15. John Barrowman is carbon neutral.
16. John Barrowman whistles while he works.
17. John Barrowman smiles while he sleeps.
18. John Barrowman sleeps like a baby.
19. John Barrowman always eats his five-a-day.
20. John Barrowman wakes up in the morning and excretes show business.
21. John Barrowman is nice to traffic wardens.
22. John Barrowman volunteered for jury duty…. twice.
23. John Barrowman squeezes his own orange juice.
24. John Barrowman speaks basic French.
25. John Barrowman learnt to talk when he was one and a half.
26. John Barrowman wears pyjamas.
27. John Barrowman grows his own vegetables.
28. John Barrowman does not get impatient in traffic jams.
29. John Barrowman had twelve pairs of jeans.
30. John Barrowman polishes his shoes every Sunday evening.
31. John Barrowman enjoyed his school days.
32. John Barrowman is calm in a crisis.
33. John Barrowman enjoys sailing.
34. John Barrowman tolerates lateness.
35. John Barrowman enjoys learning his lines.
36. John Barrowman speaks to his mother every week.
37. John Barrowman once paid £350 for a suit.
38. John Barrowman always gives up his seat for the elderly and infirm.
39. John Barrowman loves horse racing but has never placed a bet.
40. John Barrowman makes his own jam.
41. John Barrowman always buys fair trade.
42. John Barrowman is an excellent amateur photographer.
43. John Barrowman was named after his grandfather.
44. John Barrowman plays the piano … and the clarinet.
45. John Barrowman loves poetry.
46. John Barrowman brushes his teeth after every meal.
47. John Barrowman’s house is worth considerably more now than when he bought it.
48. John Barrowman has low cholesterol.
49. John Barrowman is adept at using chop sticks.
50. John Barrowman abhors violence.
51. John Barrowman never forgets about the little people.
52. John Barrowman is not afraid to ask for directions.
53. John Barrowman’s favourite film is Saving Private Ryan.
54. John Barrowman’s favourite musical is Cabaret.
55. John Barrowman’s favourite musician is Elvis Costello.
56. John Barrowman knows Michael Bublé.
57. John Barrowman was a respectable middle distance runner at school.
58. John Barrowman has an excellent peak flow and has never suffered from asthma.
59. John Barrowman adores the countryside.
60. John Barrowman once dreamed of becoming a vet.
61. John Barrowman has six pairs of shoes.
62. John Barrowman owns two houses.
63. John Barrowman is shrewd with his money.
64. John Barrowman uses moisturiser.
65. John Barrowman conditions his hair every day.
66. John Barrowman was voted ‘rear of the year’ 2007.
67. John Barrowman drives a Toyota Prius.
68. John Barrowman offsets his carbon output.
69. John Barrowman maintains an excellent relationship with his parents.
70. John Barrowman never breaks the speed limit.
71. John Barrowman once smoked a cigarette… he didn’t like it.
72. John Barrowman eats plenty of oily fish.
73. John Barrowman maintains a balanced diet.
74. John Barrowman occasionally enjoys a glass of red wine.
75. John Barrowman has no visible scars.
76. John Barrowman had a happy childhood.
77. John Barrowman bakes his own bread.
78. John Barrowman enjoys a lie in on Sundays.
79. John Barrowman listens to radio 3.
80. John Barrowman is a member of the RSPB.
81. John Barrowman has an excellent dentist.
82. John Barrowman has a high definition television.
83. John Barrowman collects art.
84. John Barrowman has an efficient accountant.
85. John Barrowman’s favourite day of the week is Wednesday.
86. John Barrowman’s favourite month is March.
87. John Barrowman does not like divorce, but realises it is a fact of life.
88. John Barrowman has 20:20 vision.
89. John Barrowman has perfect pitch.
90. John Barrowman has a 34 inch inside leg measurement.
91. John Barrowman always carries spare change to give to the homeless.
92. John Barrowman likes frogs.
93. John Barrowman sticks on 17.
94. John Barrowman has read all bar one of the Harry Potter books.
95. John Barrowman once got three strikes when bowling.
96. John Barrowman’s favourite music is Belle and Sebastian.
97. John Barrowman has climbed several hills.
98. John Barrowman rarely sneezes.
99. John Barrowman’s golf handicap is 27.
100. John Barrowman needs no introduction.
101. John Barrowman is low in fat.
102. John Barrowman is meticulously clean.
103. John Barrowman never breaks wind.
104. John Barrowman is a responsible citizen of planet earth.
105. John Barrowman isn’t interested in making a quick buck.
106. John Barrowman understands Hook’s law.
107. John Barrowman can tie every variety of knot.
108. John Barrowman was a boy scout…. He got almost every badge.
109. John Barrowman is good at accents.
110. John Barrowman has read Stephen Hawking’s ‘A Brief History of Time.’
111. John Barrowman has never viewed pornographic material.
112. John Barrowman does not need to be airbrushed in photographs.
113. John Barrowman has never been sunburned.
114. John Barrowman has fully comprehensive insurance.
115. John Barrowman is great with computers.
116. John Barrowman has made several important speeches.
117. John Barrowman has an iPhone.