Dion Dublin - Exposed cheat that could lead to biggest litigious claim in football history

There was widespread shock and disappointment in the football community today as the world reeled in disbelief at reports that astounded even the least passionate of football fans as Dion Dublin was exposed as a liar and a cheat.

Following a revelation from a government benefits detective that Dion Dublin's mother was being investigated for making claims of having two sons, wily reporters started to piece together the clues that will bring hope to all men and a dark cloud of shame on the football association.

Dublin, famed and worshipped as much for his godly attributes as his ability to turn in the odd header is now on the run and has not been seen for four days.

Following a passing footnote in Guy Mowbray's much maligned autobiography, One man, one mic, not Motson in which he mentioned that when interviewing Dion after a game, Dion always insisted on the mic being held at groin level to capture his deep bass voice correctly, one reporter remarked 'it was like Hansel and Gretel, following one breadcrumb after the other'.

Another reporter has subsequently released a recorded interview with Dublin's ex-team mate Steve Ogrizovic, previously thought to be the coke-fuelled ramblings of a professional gargoyle, the recording has brought to light new evidence. In the interview, the Coventry Quasimodo is heard slurring 'He never showered with any of us. He said he 'never wanted to create an endemic of suicide amongst his friends if they saw in the flesh what they saw in the shadows and creases of his baby blue shorts', but I left my facial pumice stone by the drain and when I went back for it I found Dion talking to 'himself'. He was saying 'We agreed, you get 10 years in your career and then it's my turn. We agreed. Now I hear you're signing for Man Utd.? If you do, that's it, I won't speak for you anymore. You'll be the mute goon you were born as'. 'When I questioned Dion', continued Ogrizovic, 'he made out he was just practising his puppet skills. That no-one could understand the loneliness he felt and the weight he had to carry (both literally and metaphorically)'.

When Ogrizovich shared this with manager Gordon Strachan, the canny Scot remarked, 'By god you're an ugly man, how did your wee mother not smother you with her tamoshanta'. This has only fuelled the fire.

The final nail in the coffin came as the re-run of Dion's appearance on BBC's Who do you think you are? was examined further. In the episode it came apparent from the birth certificates that Dion was born as a twin, but when questioned Dion seemed unable to talk, in fact the entire episode was canned as Dion could not say one coherent word. Out of respect, the Producers assumed something terrible had happened that Dion could still not confront and refused to air the episode at the time. Having investigated further and with the doctor that delivered Dublin and his mystery doppelganger, we can confirm a shocking truth.

Dion Dublin was born as a conjoined twin. His brother, a vibrant though hidden, academic was born conjoined to Dion's lower waist which provided the myth of Dublin's manhood throughout his career. Dion himself was born a mute as his brother, Jermaine (a registered dwarf), was born with the vocal chords and trachea. It was decided early on by their aggressive Jamaican mother, that with Dion's physical prowess and Jermaine's witty, insightful conversant nature that they should take on the world. (Dublin has always been considered an intelligent footballer and has benefitted from subsequent pundit roles).

It is clear the pair did not always get on; a series of private bust-ups caused fractious resentment from both of them towards each other has become apparent since the death of their mother. Jermaine complained about the harness (and subsequent extreme chafing) he was forced to wear, about the extra press and female attention that his area of Dion's body got; how he was always being grabbed and manhandled when trying to read, the countless mini spectacles he lost because of this and the longevity of Dublin's playing career.

Apparently, when this hoax had first been put into practise there was an agreement for both brothers to have an equal share in career time. Dion was to get the first thirty years and then Jermaine would come into his own. Jermaine has spent the last 15 years writing a series of arias and contemporary classical concerto's and has clearly grown tired of living in his brother's shadow (and shorts). This came to a head when Dublin's appearance on Who do you think you are when Jermaine refused to partake in the macabre charade any further.

Dion is now thought to be on the run, holding Jermaine against his wishes. Both are wanted in questioning regarding benefit fraud, but more importantly, this story may create the longest list of litigious claims in history as every club who has ever played against the Dublin's will file that each time he played, technically it was with a team of 12 as opposed to 11. The various clubs he has turned out for themselves will also want reparations. One thing is clear, the Football Association will never be the same again. Counselling hotlines have been set up for ladies around the country through grave concerns that this revelation will break hearts, hopes and expectations in these dark times.

Wherever you are Dublin's, the secret is out, come and face your public.

EXCLUSIVE UPDATE: CLAUDE MAKELELE

Following the recent exclusive on Dion Dublin, a mob has gathered at Stamford Bridge. Fears for Claude Makelele's safety have been considered and he is being moved to a secret location (thought to be Brentwood's Secret Nuclear Bunker). Makelele however has said he will prove himself in whatever way it takes, including a centre-page spread of his naked form in the Daily Telegraph.