Paul Ince - The condensed biography he didn't want published

To many, Paul Ince is a hero, not in a Greek sense of course, but there is a labyrinth of dark secrets and facts that those that have come into contact with him over the years that he has always tried to silence, until now. Another Cheeseman exclusive:

Paul Ince - In veritas we trust

When Talking Paul Ince never moves his neck

Paul Ince lives by the credo ‘cogito ergo sum’, when asked why he was so sure life wasn’t just a dream he said “because I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

Ince had always admired civil engineering so when a bypass was built near his house it didn’t worry him. He enjoyed the work. He enjoyed the progress.

When Paul Ince, whose sobriety was infamous, realised Liverpool were sponsored by a beer brand, he claimed it de-motivated him to the extent that he put in 2 and a half years of classless sub par football for the club. It was later discovered that he wept himself to sleep over a bottle of gin most evenings.

Paul Ince has 3 gorgeous children and a fun loving wife, they all find him pretentious.

Despite putting himself forward for selection in every one of his 15 seasons as a professional footballer, Paul Ince was never once asked to model the team kit for the official club magazine.

When manager at Blackburn, Paul Ince insisted the players called him ‘The Guvnor’, he was unanimously known as Paul.

Paul Ince always goes bare-chested when indoors, this caused many awkward moments during Ewood Park board meetings and press conferences which would often resemble boxing weigh-ins. Some say it contributed to his lack of respect from the Blackburn squad and led to his eventual sacking.

For the last 15 years Paul Ince has tried in vain to bring the pencil moustache back into fashion.

After losing his job as Blackburn Manager, Paul Ince now lists his official occupation on facebook as talent scout, sports masseur, and life model.

When starting out as a young YTS trainee, Paul Ince tried to give himself the nickname ‘muscles’, consequently he got very badly beaten up by 4 of the smaller members of the squad.

In a 1995 joke poll, ‘Shoot’ magazine named Paul Ince the player with the roundest head in football, Ince was furious and threatened to sue.

Paul Ince, when playing for Wolves and turning out in their famous orange strip, with his perfectly spherical head, drew an uncanny resemblance to Zippy from Rainbow. This observation from the other Wolves players caused several training ground bust ups.

Paul Ince, born Paul Emerson Carlyle Ince due to his mother taking a hopeless punt of acknowledging the correct, absent biological father, has a tattoo of Gazza and himself on his lower back. It depicts gazza in a tight leather 70's jacket and Ince in a George Cole titfer hat with the title 'Ince: Gazza's Minder'. Originally a portrait of satire, success and jolity, it is now a stark reminder of yet another (and perhaps the greatest example) of Ince's failure as a human being. 'George Clooney called me up and challenged me to a game of darts...'

Paul Ince and Ian Wright were a notorious pair of pranksters. Whilst on England duty, one afternoon in 1993 they mobbed Graham Taylor during a squad photograph and pulled his tracksuit trousers down, exposing his genitals to the entire coaching staff and players. The pair were in hysterics while everyone else looked in an uneasy silence. Some say the subsequent disharmony and removal of Taylor’s dignity was to blame for England’s failure to qualify for the World Cup in 1994 and effectively ended Taylor’s career.