McConaghey and Merson first met at David 'Rocky' Rocastle's funeral, where having awoken in his Middlesex home to find his 'royal mucker' Ray Parlour with his hair caught desperately in the waste disposal unit after a particular busy night babysitting 'charles, the neighbour's kid', Ray pleaded with Merse to find a lookie-likey for the cameras. On googling Ray Parlour, a small photo of McConaghey appeared on the 53rd page. Using his extensive phone book of contacts, Merse managed to find McConaghey's number through one of Anders Limpar and Johnny Jenson's wives' neices, who McConaghey had acted with for a few test shots for acclaimed Hollywood director, Seymour Butts.
McConaghey was in London shooting an exciting promo for the Hackney tourist board, and due to the sound of gunshots and children's scream misheard 'David 'Rocky' Rocastle' for 'audition for Rocky VI'. Crowds of adoring fans outside the small chapel in Bexley Heath stood aghast as Merson rocked up in his 89-90 yellow psychedelic Arsenal away shirt and his one England cap on his head, high-fiving his way along the avenue of mourners with Matthew McConaghey oiled to maximum, dressed in boxing gloves and very tiny gold shorts.
During the ceremony Paul Davis gave a heartfelt eulogy, saying: 'He was much loved and respected throughout the football world and will be fondly remembered by everyone who knew him. There's not many people who have the privilege of having that respect from the fans at Arsenal." To which, George Graham consoled Adams, Bould and Lineghan in his great Scottish biceps whilst the rest of the congregation nodded in stern agreement, offering smiles and support to those around them as their tear ducts secreted another salty offering.
In the silence that ensued an American voice was heard to proclaim 'this is some pretty emotional stuff, very ying to my yang. But who am I going to fight if Rocky's kicked it?'. Merson took the lectern next and just said; 'he was an alright bloke, I liked him. Who do I see about getting that 20 boys back? Sandra (Rocastle)?', on which everyone let out a cathartic laugh. Merson stood there slowly gaining in anger as he waited the response.
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